Announcement, I’m going to Google

I just got off the phone with Larry Page. He's offered me a job to run Google's PR department and I've decided to take him up on it. Why? Because I finally realized that Steve Gillmor is right. Microsoft Office is dead and I wanted to be at the company that is the future of everything.

Larry and Marissa Mayer, who I met at the Google Zeitgeist conference last year, showed me their top secret plans for the future of the software industry and, WOW, are they unbelieveable.

If you loved Google Earth, you'll go crazy when you see what Larry and Sergey have cooked up! Sorry, I've signed an NDA so you'll just have to wait.

Why else did I decide to leave Microsoft? Well, getting 20% of my time back to do whatever I wanted to certainly played a part. Plus, they increased my salary to more than $100,000 and the free food rocks for a fat guy like me!

Anyway, I wanted you to know the news first before anyone else found out.

My first project will be to convert the Scoble Dashboard over to a Linux box.

Also, as part of the deal, I'll be moving to the new Shanghai Google headquarters since Google is moving to China now. My first job as PR guy for the new Chinese-run Google is to ban all uncredible journalists from writing about Google. This might sound a little evil, but it isn't, the world is better off without them. Sergey will announce on Monday that they are redefining evil to mean "whatever Scoble says is evil."

This also means I will add Google ads to all my Web properties and next week I'll switch my Hotmail email address over to a Gmail one. It's going to be a great move for me and my family.

One of my last duties as a Microsoft employee was to upload some videos of Microsoft pranks throughout the years (cool NERD device!).

Oh, one major factor in my decision was Matt Cutts, Google's top blogger. He got me drunk at Danny Sullivan's Search Engine Strategies conference a few weeks ago and got me to leak all of Microsoft's secrets, not to mention he brainwashed me using Steve Ballmer's new brainwashing device (I don't know how he got one of those, but, heck, I guess billionaires can get anything nowadays). Hey, the brainwashing feels good and my allowance went up a few bucks a week.

Matt's pitch to me? "You can work for Bill Gates anytime, but can you work for a company that's gonna make space elevators along with NASA?" Then he showed me the new Google room search prototype and I forgot about all the lame stuff that Bill Gates showed me at lunch last week.

How could I resist a pitch like that?

As part of the deal I'll have to give up my evil and large software company in Second Life. Google will take that over and will replace the blood fountain with a ping-pong table and heat from my lava field will be mined to provide a new source of energy to run its new datacenters.

I'm off to call Steve Ballmer and give him the bad news. I'll ask him to sit down before telling him.

PS: happy ninth blog birthday to Dave Winer's Scripting News.

Update: did you see the Windows Vista news? Maybe I should have stayed at Microsoft!

Update: Oh, one thing that I learned is Google is going to open up Google Video to let you upload as much porn as you want (or, you can charge per viewings of your own video). Of course this video content will be blocked in China.

284 thoughts on “Announcement, I’m going to Google

  1. There are no cute women that work at Google, they come in cute and within 3 weeks they are fat, ugly, messy gnomes. Google does not allow any reflective surfaces inside so that they can see how messy their hair is. They never see the sun so they get all pale. Google puts food everywhere so you are forced to come there for breakfast until dinner so all you do is eat and eat to mask the stress until you turn into a blubber butt. Your eyes sink in from staring at LCD screens and you get dark circles under your eyes from looking at a single plane all day. You chew your hair and you get pimples… The women at Google are Gnomes…

  2. There are no cute women that work at Google, they come in cute and within 3 weeks they are fat, ugly, messy gnomes. Google does not allow any reflective surfaces inside so that they can see how messy their hair is. They never see the sun so they get all pale. Google puts food everywhere so you are forced to come there for breakfast until dinner so all you do is eat and eat to mask the stress until you turn into a blubber butt. Your eyes sink in from staring at LCD screens and you get dark circles under your eyes from looking at a single plane all day. You chew your hair and you get pimples… The women at Google are Gnomes…

  3. Nice one. I was about to say congrats but then I was like wait a minute. Scrolled back to the top to look at the date…

  4. Well, I may not agree with you all the time, but this is a fantastic April Fools joke. You actually had about a dozen people at my company talking about what legal actions Microsoft might take.

  5. Well, I may not agree with you all the time, but this is a fantastic April Fools joke. You actually had about a dozen people at my company talking about what legal actions Microsoft might take.

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  7. Hi Russell, you know, when you have my name *right there*, spelling it wrong is kind of silly.

    As well, what part of “Scoble has nothing to do with Vista” aren’t you getting? You appear to speak and read English fairly well, yet insist on acting as though every person at Microsoft works on Vista.

    Now, you can believe anything you like, however, your belief does not in fact, change reality. Scoble in a tutu, spit-roasting cheerleaders and eating a baby for breakfast wouldn’t affect Vista, so how is his blog going to do so?

    It won’t.

    Let’s recap…Scoble doesn’t work on Vista, and your belief otherwise doesn’t change that. You do not in fact, shape reality, and some time spent on that could help you with much in life.

  8. Hi Russell, you know, when you have my name *right there*, spelling it wrong is kind of silly.

    As well, what part of “Scoble has nothing to do with Vista” aren’t you getting? You appear to speak and read English fairly well, yet insist on acting as though every person at Microsoft works on Vista.

    Now, you can believe anything you like, however, your belief does not in fact, change reality. Scoble in a tutu, spit-roasting cheerleaders and eating a baby for breakfast wouldn’t affect Vista, so how is his blog going to do so?

    It won’t.

    Let’s recap…Scoble doesn’t work on Vista, and your belief otherwise doesn’t change that. You do not in fact, shape reality, and some time spent on that could help you with much in life.

  9. Hi John C. Welsh,

    Microsoft would make better use of their funds paying money to ship a Vista that doesn’t suck, and on time, rather than paying Scoble to write something that occupies space, and does nothing more.

  10. Hi John C. Welsh,

    Microsoft would make better use of their funds paying money to ship a Vista that doesn’t suck, and on time, rather than paying Scoble to write something that occupies space, and does nothing more.

  11. Um…Russell…Robert doesn’t even work directly for the Vista team. He’s an evangelist. Short of being a gopher for the programmers, exactly WHAT is he going to do?

    As well, even if he was…I don’t want code written by people pushing 100 hour weeks. All that does is guarantee buggy, craptacular code. There’s a reason why Unions pushed for a weekend. You need some “away” time from work. Otherwise, your brain turns to mush.

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