The questioning of career, life, family, love follows grief (taking a week off of blogging)

May 26, 2006 By

Two days ago Maryam told me that she always wanted a BMW (we've been planning a car purchase for a while cause her Toyota was starting to show its age).

So, last night, what did I do? I bought her one. A BMW 325i. By far the wackiest, and scariest, and most irrational purchase I've ever made. Why? Because my alimony is coming to an end this summer (4.5 years of paying more than $1,100 per month, and that's not including child support). But, this is not usual behavior for me. What brought it on? My mom's stroke and death reminded me that life is temporary. She reminded me that it's important to have fun while you're here. Even if you are a workahaolic. Smell the roses and all that.

I might regret such an impetuous purchase (particularly after we get the bill). It is expensive. And wild. But it is such a nice car. And Maryam deserves it. She stayed with me even when I'd blog late into the night. If I'm lucky, she'll let me drive it once in a while. And I am lucky. Heheh! Actually, I was totally shocked when the bank approved the purchase.

I am totally fortunate to be in that position. Something we often forget in the midst of wild wealth that we have here on the West Coast (over the weekend a Mercedes SLR rolled by, that's a car that costs $700,000 to buy, which is $660,000 more than the one I bought Maryam). This is an unreal world. Most of the world lives on $2 a day. I forget that a lot of times. But I just said the heck with it.

Tonight, though, I find I'm questioning everything about my life. Am I doing the right things? Treating people well enough? Doing enough to improve the world?

What do I want to do career wise? I've had some wild opportunities thrown at me recently. Should I consider them? For what reason? What's the value I add to the world? Can I do more? Are there things that I'd love to do more than taking a camcorder around Microsoft and representing Microsoft to developers? In five years, where do I want to be? Who do I want to be?

What kind of father should I be? I haven't been a good one, all truth be told. My son is hurtling into his teenage years. What kind of role model should I be? How could I get more involved in his life? He's coming to stay with us next month. What should we do together? Yeah, the Xbox is all primed, but it's time to do more than just play gadgets. Maybe take him camping.

How do I want to be a better husband? What is important to me in our home life?

Oh, my mom's sister? Three of her siblings died when they were 66 (including my mom). She's 65 and is really worried. What would you do if you knew you had a year to live? I answered myself "I'd buy Maryam a BMW and we'd drive around having fun." Which led to my impulsive behavior last night. Can someone remind me to keep me away from expensive toys during times of grief?

Tonight I talked with Vic Gundotra, the guy who hired me into Microsoft. He told me how times like this in life (when you lose someone important to you, or meet tragedy) bring into hyper focus what's important. I'm not so sure. I liked life four weeks ago when I thought I had it all figured out.

Now all I have is questions.

Anyway, I'm going to take a week off to ponder these questions, and more, get some exercise, and take care of my mom's affairs (she designated me as the one she wanted to take care of her estate).

I thought about continuing to blog, but really, there's times that one just needs to go sit quietly in the middle of Yellowstone or another park and pick the lint out of your bellybutton and ponder life's questions. This is one of those times.

Hey, got some answers? Give 'em up! Heheh. See ya back here on about June 4.

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  • Robert E Spivack

    Congrats! Once in a while rewarding oneself or one’s spouse is definitely worthwhile.

    Check out the Economist. They have an excellent article on how us middle income folks are no longer shopping just in our traditional price range. Purchases are bifurcating – buying up-market luxury products while simultaneously buying down-market frugal dollar-saving bargains. Starbucks = upmarket success, GM = stuck in the middle market failure. Lesson here is for companies to figure out how to go upmarket and downmarket without aliening customers and not staying stagnent in mid market.

    Back to techie stuff – for $40K I assume you upgraded to iDrive and GPS Nav system?

    I just bought a new 325i two months ago and love it.

    But also hate it! Maybe you can talk to the guys at the BMW tech center in Palo Alto about my pet peeves:

    1. The blue-tooth handsfree works but uses a proprietary protocol for phonebook data exchange so my cellphone (Sprint PPC-6700 running on EVDO and Windows Mobile) won’t upload the phonebook to the screen.

    Maybe you can get them to opensource the data exchange protocol so someone can write a decent uploader for all Windows Mobile phones. (I’m assuming their going to remain clueless about actually fixing it themselves.)

    2. Darn thing (the computer/nav/gps) is OEM’d from Siemens (not bad in itself) but is based on a closed Java architecture (bad). I knew it would be too good to be true, but I was hoping for an embedded WinCE or WinXP that could be enhanced.

    3. The car industry took years to add cup holders, so their rate of innovation is no surprise. But, why the heck can’t they replace the CD-ROM player in the radio/stereo with a DVD-ROM? For only about $20 more the MP3 data mode could play an 8GB Double-layer DVD-R instead of a 600MB CD-R. (Actually, I found you CAN play a data DVD, but you have to take out the GPS data from the DVD drive. So, you have great tunes and get lost, but if you want to know where you’re going you can’t have a lot of music :-)

    4. Anyone that complains about stupid “gothas” in PC’s or software should step back and look at the archaic decisions made in these products. Exactly which numbskull wouldn’t approve putting a USB plug into any of these car radios? Duh! put all your music on a usb flash drive and just stick it. Seems simple enough. Maybe in 10 years they’ll have it.

    (Afterall, all these car mfg are patting themselves on the back for having added sinking 50cent audio in jack. Only took how long to do that????)

  • Robert E Spivack

    Congrats! Once in a while rewarding oneself or one’s spouse is definitely worthwhile.

    Check out the Economist. They have an excellent article on how us middle income folks are no longer shopping just in our traditional price range. Purchases are bifurcating – buying up-market luxury products while simultaneously buying down-market frugal dollar-saving bargains. Starbucks = upmarket success, GM = stuck in the middle market failure. Lesson here is for companies to figure out how to go upmarket and downmarket without aliening customers and not staying stagnent in mid market.

    Back to techie stuff – for $40K I assume you upgraded to iDrive and GPS Nav system?

    I just bought a new 325i two months ago and love it.

    But also hate it! Maybe you can talk to the guys at the BMW tech center in Palo Alto about my pet peeves:

    1. The blue-tooth handsfree works but uses a proprietary protocol for phonebook data exchange so my cellphone (Sprint PPC-6700 running on EVDO and Windows Mobile) won’t upload the phonebook to the screen.

    Maybe you can get them to opensource the data exchange protocol so someone can write a decent uploader for all Windows Mobile phones. (I’m assuming their going to remain clueless about actually fixing it themselves.)

    2. Darn thing (the computer/nav/gps) is OEM’d from Siemens (not bad in itself) but is based on a closed Java architecture (bad). I knew it would be too good to be true, but I was hoping for an embedded WinCE or WinXP that could be enhanced.

    3. The car industry took years to add cup holders, so their rate of innovation is no surprise. But, why the heck can’t they replace the CD-ROM player in the radio/stereo with a DVD-ROM? For only about $20 more the MP3 data mode could play an 8GB Double-layer DVD-R instead of a 600MB CD-R. (Actually, I found you CAN play a data DVD, but you have to take out the GPS data from the DVD drive. So, you have great tunes and get lost, but if you want to know where you’re going you can’t have a lot of music :-)

    4. Anyone that complains about stupid “gothas” in PC’s or software should step back and look at the archaic decisions made in these products. Exactly which numbskull wouldn’t approve putting a USB plug into any of these car radios? Duh! put all your music on a usb flash drive and just stick it. Seems simple enough. Maybe in 10 years they’ll have it.

    (Afterall, all these car mfg are patting themselves on the back for having added sinking 50cent audio in jack. Only took how long to do that????)

  • raptor

    after reading your blog recently i can only refer to my feelings . you are a wonderful human being , sir scoble …..

  • raptor

    after reading your blog recently i can only refer to my feelings . you are a wonderful human being , sir scoble …..

  • Aaron

    If the blog doesn’t server you, you aren’t serving anyone else. I’ll stop readying if I know you’re family or friends have ever suffered because of this blog. It’s not a threat, it’s a promise. Audience controls media… and blog are mass media… if not you wouldn’t leave your diary lying on the front sidewalk. At the end of the day the vanity of a blog must be addressed. At the end of the day, know why I need to know what you are thinking… why its important to your family I know this… and could we both live better or worse without it.

  • Aaron

    If the blog doesn’t server you, you aren’t serving anyone else. I’ll stop readying if I know you’re family or friends have ever suffered because of this blog. It’s not a threat, it’s a promise. Audience controls media… and blog are mass media… if not you wouldn’t leave your diary lying on the front sidewalk. At the end of the day the vanity of a blog must be addressed. At the end of the day, know why I need to know what you are thinking… why its important to your family I know this… and could we both live better or worse without it.

  • http://www.chench.com/thelittlethings/ Ken

    It’s so important to be asking yourself those questions! All of the answers will come.
    Ken

  • http://www.chench.com/thelittlethings/ Ken

    It’s so important to be asking yourself those questions! All of the answers will come.
    Ken

  • Katyspice

    My folks were the kind that saved, saved and saved. Not only money but all the nice pressies we bought them when we grew up and got good jobs and could afford to show them how thankful we were. My mother had a secret “stash” of brand new clothes, etc that she was saving for a “special” occasion. Then they suddenly got sick and they died within four months of each other. I uncovered the stash. I was a little peeved that I had spent all that time and money and it sat in a closet. Sooo – I wear the stuff. I eat my Sunday dinner off of wedding china, I enjoy all the stuff I work very hard to buy. I even went through a convertable car phase – and I loved it!! Unfort Ireland and convertables dont go together soo well ha ha.

    Live — dont stash. K

  • Katyspice

    My folks were the kind that saved, saved and saved. Not only money but all the nice pressies we bought them when we grew up and got good jobs and could afford to show them how thankful we were. My mother had a secret “stash” of brand new clothes, etc that she was saving for a “special” occasion. Then they suddenly got sick and they died within four months of each other. I uncovered the stash. I was a little peeved that I had spent all that time and money and it sat in a closet. Sooo – I wear the stuff. I eat my Sunday dinner off of wedding china, I enjoy all the stuff I work very hard to buy. I even went through a convertable car phase – and I loved it!! Unfort Ireland and convertables dont go together soo well ha ha.

    Live — dont stash. K

  • http://spaces.msn.com/BryanStarbuck Bryan Starbuck

    My heart goes out to you Robert for the loss of your mother. You are an amazing guy and I hope you know how many people wish you the best.

    It’s great that you are taking time off and will have time to put life into perspective.

    You may not realize what a big impact you have in what you do today. I and other teams at Microsoft find you invaluable. We work so hard on our products and we want our products to connect to our customers and have an impact. Our biggest bottleneck is often being able to connect to our users without them only seeing a big corporate facade (the one the Slashdot crowd likes to bash).

    Your Channel 9 videos and this blog are amazing. You bring people together and bridge perspectives. My and my team now have a blog for our product and it’s wonderful, and this has been in large part because of your and Leah Pearlman’s blogging efforts.

    I wish you the best with your time off to contemplate life. As you look to what you as a person do exceptionally well, it wouldn’t surprise me if ends up being “connecting people and bridge their points of view”.

    Whatever you come up with, I think life is about knowing what you can do uniquely well, and then the joy of life comes from focusing your life and efforts around having that ability have a beneficial impact to the world and those around you. (Both in your personal and professional life)

    -Bryan

  • http://spaces.msn.com/BryanStarbuck Bryan Starbuck

    My heart goes out to you Robert for the loss of your mother. You are an amazing guy and I hope you know how many people wish you the best.

    It’s great that you are taking time off and will have time to put life into perspective.

    You may not realize what a big impact you have in what you do today. I and other teams at Microsoft find you invaluable. We work so hard on our products and we want our products to connect to our customers and have an impact. Our biggest bottleneck is often being able to connect to our users without them only seeing a big corporate facade (the one the Slashdot crowd likes to bash).

    Your Channel 9 videos and this blog are amazing. You bring people together and bridge perspectives. My and my team now have a blog for our product and it’s wonderful, and this has been in large part because of your and Leah Pearlman’s blogging efforts.

    I wish you the best with your time off to contemplate life. As you look to what you as a person do exceptionally well, it wouldn’t surprise me if ends up being “connecting people and bridge their points of view”.

    Whatever you come up with, I think life is about knowing what you can do uniquely well, and then the joy of life comes from focusing your life and efforts around having that ability have a beneficial impact to the world and those around you. (Both in your personal and professional life)

    -Bryan

  • http://dltq.org/ Raymond Kristiansen

    Hey Robert, we met once at Reboot in Copenhagen last year, and I have been following your work on your blog as well as your videos for some time. Your work is inspiring to a lot of people from around the world. The fact that you mix tech with life on your blog is very inspiring to me, at least. Technology is there to be infused with life, be used in life – it cannot be just some separate theoretical field.

    Firstly: My deepest condolences for your loss. To lose your parent is a horrible experience, and it is just right that you spend this next week or two working those questions.

    I don’t know quite what to comment here, there have already been written many wise things. But I can say that I resonate well with your questions. How can we do more for the world, and for those we love?

    Stay healthy and enjoy the time with your family. Greetings from Oslo!

  • http://dltq.org Raymond Kristiansen

    Hey Robert, we met once at Reboot in Copenhagen last year, and I have been following your work on your blog as well as your videos for some time. Your work is inspiring to a lot of people from around the world. The fact that you mix tech with life on your blog is very inspiring to me, at least. Technology is there to be infused with life, be used in life – it cannot be just some separate theoretical field.

    Firstly: My deepest condolences for your loss. To lose your parent is a horrible experience, and it is just right that you spend this next week or two working those questions.

    I don’t know quite what to comment here, there have already been written many wise things. But I can say that I resonate well with your questions. How can we do more for the world, and for those we love?

    Stay healthy and enjoy the time with your family. Greetings from Oslo!

  • http://apotso.wordpress.com/ apotso

    Well amigo, your mother was right, you have to live enough… so what that the car was expensive… so what that you have to pay all this money… welth has to be distributed in order to be evaluated… you are happy… your wife is happy… your kids are happy… the bank is happy… and furthermore the banker wishes you good health in order you to pay them back the loan… so you just made a good friend that care about your health… isn’t that wonderful…

    Regarding your son my friend, I believe that things are simple… because when they are such, life is worth living… your son, as all kids, before and during his revolution is just a pretender of you… after he finishes with this unavoidable genes process he will be again a pretender of you… so just be yourself… enjoy it and have fun… don’t bother your mind… nobody else beside your relatives care about you… after all we born alone and we die alone…

  • http://apotso.wordpress.com/ apotso

    Well amigo, your mother was right, you have to live enough… so what that the car was expensive… so what that you have to pay all this money… welth has to be distributed in order to be evaluated… you are happy… your wife is happy… your kids are happy… the bank is happy… and furthermore the banker wishes you good health in order you to pay them back the loan… so you just made a good friend that care about your health… isn’t that wonderful…

    Regarding your son my friend, I believe that things are simple… because when they are such, life is worth living… your son, as all kids, before and during his revolution is just a pretender of you… after he finishes with this unavoidable genes process he will be again a pretender of you… so just be yourself… enjoy it and have fun… don’t bother your mind… nobody else beside your relatives care about you… after all we born alone and we die alone…

  • http://www.PCTALKweb.Net/ RBL

    Sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my father suddenly, and then, soon after, my brother. It was a strong 1-2 punch. But it helped me learn there is a big difference between pleasure and happiness. A BMW is pleasure. Hugging your kids and your wife is happiness. Go for the happiness, and the pleasure will follow. Go for the pleasure, and the happiness will remain elusive.

  • http://www.PCTALKweb.Net RBL

    Sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my father suddenly, and then, soon after, my brother. It was a strong 1-2 punch. But it helped me learn there is a big difference between pleasure and happiness. A BMW is pleasure. Hugging your kids and your wife is happiness. Go for the happiness, and the pleasure will follow. Go for the pleasure, and the happiness will remain elusive.

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  • http://supercoolgirlie.wordpress.com/ supercoolgirlie

    Yeah, put the XBox away and take your son camping. It’s a memory he can carry with him always. I can’t say I remember all the times I was gaming with friends and family…you know?

    Take care.

  • http://supercoolgirlie.wordpress.com/ supercoolgirlie

    Yeah, put the XBox away and take your son camping. It’s a memory he can carry with him always. I can’t say I remember all the times I was gaming with friends and family…you know?

    Take care.

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  • Mrs Beata

    Great post. Just asking the question hurles you in the top percentage. Living, loving, caring… There are no absolute answers, only guesses.

    Care about youself, you are the base for everything you are, you think and feel. If you are ok, then you can nurture others. If you are not ok then you feed off others. It’s all about the energy flows. If you don’t leak energy then you can shine and inspire.

    Cry in public. It’s humbling.

    When looking inwards and finding a fear, face it. It’s developing. Fear is an energy drainer.

    Listen to your kid, learn something from him. Makes him confident.

    Question God. Question the scriptures. Feel God rather then believe in he/she/it. Find your God in a different religion, same guy just different robes. Study Islam. It will raise your understanding.

    If you work with your hands, get a ‘thinking’ hobby, if you are a ‘thinking’ worker get a hobby with your hands.

    And don’t take yourself so damn seriously :) Even Einstein could stick his tounge out and have a laugh!

  • Mrs Beata

    Great post. Just asking the question hurles you in the top percentage. Living, loving, caring… There are no absolute answers, only guesses.

    Care about youself, you are the base for everything you are, you think and feel. If you are ok, then you can nurture others. If you are not ok then you feed off others. It’s all about the energy flows. If you don’t leak energy then you can shine and inspire.

    Cry in public. It’s humbling.

    When looking inwards and finding a fear, face it. It’s developing. Fear is an energy drainer.

    Listen to your kid, learn something from him. Makes him confident.

    Question God. Question the scriptures. Feel God rather then believe in he/she/it. Find your God in a different religion, same guy just different robes. Study Islam. It will raise your understanding.

    If you work with your hands, get a ‘thinking’ hobby, if you are a ‘thinking’ worker get a hobby with your hands.

    And don’t take yourself so damn seriously :) Even Einstein could stick his tounge out and have a laugh!

  • http://jackyan.com Jack Yan

    Robert, you should live the moment. Go for it!

  • http://www.jackyan.com/blog Jack Yan

    Robert, you should live the moment. Go for it!

  • http://alfredo.octavio.net/ Alfredo Octavio

    That’s a good decision, Robert, and thanks for becoming a client! :-)

  • http://alfredo.octavio.net/ Alfredo Octavio

    That’s a good decision, Robert, and thanks for becoming a client! :-)

  • http://ansel.wordpress.com/ Ansel

    You’re not doing anything good by working for a massive corporation that colludes with the Chinese government to censor information (Gates met with Hu Jintao, a dictator, in his home a few weeks ago), a corporation that turns over records on its users to the government, a corporation that stifles competition, and of course, a corporation that makes shoddy products. If you have a lot of money, donate it to relief organizations. Invest it in ways for people to better their lives, to bring about social change, in citizen-based independent media or something… for christ’s sake don’t buy a BMW. Ride a bus. I have so very little respect for people like you.

  • http://ansel.wordpress.com Ansel

    You’re not doing anything good by working for a massive corporation that colludes with the Chinese government to censor information (Gates met with Hu Jintao, a dictator, in his home a few weeks ago), a corporation that turns over records on its users to the government, a corporation that stifles competition, and of course, a corporation that makes shoddy products. If you have a lot of money, donate it to relief organizations. Invest it in ways for people to better their lives, to bring about social change, in citizen-based independent media or something… for christ’s sake don’t buy a BMW. Ride a bus. I have so very little respect for people like you.

  • http://www.peoplespoet.co.uk/ Keyvan

    sorry about your Mum robert life is hell but what we do at the point of worries is what makes us diffrent making maryam happy is a good thing she is worth it and B.M.W stand for be my woman good choice the reason I am writting this is why dont the top people at Mirosoft realise who you are and what you are doing for them realy you are the voice of Microsoft . But I think people dont know what they have until they got it no more. take the time off and enjoy yourself as time dont repeat itself . keyvan

  • http://www.peoplespoet.co.uk Keyvan

    sorry about your Mum robert life is hell but what we do at the point of worries is what makes us diffrent making maryam happy is a good thing she is worth it and B.M.W stand for be my woman good choice the reason I am writting this is why dont the top people at Mirosoft realise who you are and what you are doing for them realy you are the voice of Microsoft . But I think people dont know what they have until they got it no more. take the time off and enjoy yourself as time dont repeat itself . keyvan

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  • Seshadri

    Sorry about your mom. It was interesting to read how this prompted you to do something that you wouldnt have normally done. I had one similar incident couple of weeks back.

    Me and my friend were involve in a biking accident where we hit an old lady who wandered right across the road. She went in to a coma and died soon after. Somehow this resulted in me buying a cellphone that i wanted to for a long time. I am a very basic cell user – i dont even send text messages – and kept thiking that purchase would simply be a waste. Two days after the incident something just dragged me to the store and i ended up buying the phone. ( BTW, i have still not used most of the ‘advanced’ features in my new phone).

    I am reminded of a quote from your Book – “everything doesnt change. Something changes and it impacts lot of other things”. How true!!!!

  • Seshadri

    Sorry about your mom. It was interesting to read how this prompted you to do something that you wouldnt have normally done. I had one similar incident couple of weeks back.

    Me and my friend were involve in a biking accident where we hit an old lady who wandered right across the road. She went in to a coma and died soon after. Somehow this resulted in me buying a cellphone that i wanted to for a long time. I am a very basic cell user – i dont even send text messages – and kept thiking that purchase would simply be a waste. Two days after the incident something just dragged me to the store and i ended up buying the phone. ( BTW, i have still not used most of the ‘advanced’ features in my new phone).

    I am reminded of a quote from your Book – “everything doesnt change. Something changes and it impacts lot of other things”. How true!!!!

  • Jordan Pruett

    hey man, dont sweat it. Your a neat guy, and you treat your woman cooly. Just love people.

  • http://none: Jordan Pruett

    hey man, dont sweat it. Your a neat guy, and you treat your woman cooly. Just love people.

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  • Jarcened

    There are important things in life that never should be ignored and be given importance. I know, its so many. I’ll just point one important factor to soothens life. Share your life with someone special, check out webdatedotcom. See someone there that might interest you to be with.

  • Jarcened

    There are important things in life that never should be ignored and be given importance. I know, its so many. I’ll just point one important factor to soothens life. Share your life with someone special, check out webdatedotcom. See someone there that might interest you to be with.

  • http://www.pusi.info/ Jimm

    Was glad to visit on yours site! It have a good design. I compare this site to another: http://www.ukusi.info/z4-07/ and http://www.kusok.info/2000-z3/ ; the design last to me is more pleasant!

  • http://www.pusi.info/ Jimm

    Was glad to visit on yours site! It have a good design. I compare this site to another: http://www.ukusi.info/z4-07/ and http://www.kusok.info/2000-z3/ ; the design last to me is more pleasant!

  • Ruby

    There are a lot of thoughts swirling about in your head, and feelings in your heart. Lots of questions and maybe the answers aren’t as readily available. There is a great book called “When Life Changes or You Wish It Would” by Carol Adrienne that I found to be really useful when one of the many times change appeared in my life. It’s an easy read, you may find that it makes total sense or at least helps to ease your mind a bit.

  • Ruby

    There are a lot of thoughts swirling about in your head, and feelings in your heart. Lots of questions and maybe the answers aren’t as readily available. There is a great book called “When Life Changes or You Wish It Would” by Carol Adrienne that I found to be really useful when one of the many times change appeared in my life. It’s an easy read, you may find that it makes total sense or at least helps to ease your mind a bit.

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